emotionless

so today is tuesday. i havent done this in a while but i feel like right now i need to get my thoughts out... well whats up there anyways....

emotions.

love. joy.

anger. hate.

frustration.

worry.

hope.

numb.

excitement.

peace.

loneliness.

what do these have in common.

absolutely nothing.

except that something cause them.

people.

things.

cirmcumstances.

chance.

past.

future.

whatever it is.

it has left me.

its gone.

where are the emotions.

im

emotionless.

college

is

filled

with

emotion.

except

i cant find mine.

they've run away.

i remember a time

where my emotions ruled.

i cried

when

"he"

broke my heart.

when

"He"

saved me.

when

"i"

found my way.

when

"they"

loved me anyways.

i remember.

i remember the way i felt when

"you"

touched me.

when

"YOU"

rescued me.

when

"they"

held me.

and my world fell apart.

i remember the night.

i moved out.

all alone

with no hope.

and i wonder where the emotions went.

i remember seeing

"her"

cry

at the pain of her father.

i remember hearing

"she"

died.

where have the emotions gone.

because i dont feel them.

because i dont see them.

because i dont want to.

maybe

yes.

no.

i like emotions.

im comfortable there.

but maybe

thats it.

college.

breaking away from your comfort.

breaking away from what you

know.

knew.

experience.

witnessed.

a brand new

everything.

fill me

with desire.

i want to know

YOU.

and be known

by

YOU.

maybe i

am about

YOU.

dont

YOU

have

emotions.

dont

YOU

hurt.

laugh.

smile.

cry.

love.

hope.

maybe im wrong.

but what if im

right.

what if

this one time

i figured

it

out.

what then.

i may never know.

im not sure i want to.

because then

then

there is beauty

in the unknown.

there is hope

in the curiosity.

there is love

in the awakening.

maybe.

just maybe.

i figured this one

out.

Walls

im so tired of this.

getting my hopes us..

then them fail. 

its horrible

why is it always like this.

why do i let my heart get like this

i try.

so hard.

but something happens and the walls come up

guess what world

the walls are up.

and its going to take an act of God for them to come down

because i dont want to let them down

no 

why should i let them down 

just to get hurt again.

id rather pull into myself

the tears come

but not for anyone anymore

the pain comes but 

ill keep it to myself.

im sorry

i just cant trust anyone anymore.

i need Jesus to do a miracle.

i need love

i need words

i need hope.

therein lies my answer.

but i cant find it.

and im searching so searching

but where is the hope

i know where it is.

i dont feel it

and i keep losing it.

i cant grasp it

LORD?

"in this world you will have troubles, but take heart i've overcome the world."

choices

Today has probably been one of the worst days of my life. Left my thumb drive in my car so i cant print my paper which makes me 2 letter grades down and its not even that great of a paper... made a c on a math test.. have a  c in  math, history, and science. and to mention that one christmas present i got now is completely ruined... and i spent alot of money on it. then my teachers yelled at me and im behind in photography have a 2 test i forgot about and yes. not a good day. now i am not telling you this because i want you to feel bad for me or whatever. cause i dont mostly its my fault but i still cried. ive cried like 3 times and i sit her thinking about the should haves

i should have started my project earlier

i should have taken pictures

i should have studied

i should have done this 

i should have done that

 

but that is the past i cant change that

i cant change the stupid decisions i made

what i can change is my attitude now because Satan loves it when i am upset. Satan loves it when my attitude becomes sour. no i am bigger than him. i am stronger than him. only by the Blood of the Lamb am i stronger than that devil! so i have a choice now

will i be mad at my teacher or will i rejoice in the fact that i have a wonderful Savior

will i cry or will i laugh

will i frown or will i smile

will i hate or will i love

will i be the world or will i rise above it

even though i feel like crap i choose to be joyful..

considering the circumstances this is when God does the most.

LORD I'M READY:)

HOPE

let hope rise

and darkness surrender 

to your holy light

Jesus our God

great and mighty to be praised

hope is rising

i feel it.

its shaking within me

there is a hope stiring

burning 

inside of me

i cant contain it

i dont want to contain it

it must spread

it has to spread

it needs to spread

my generation needs this fire

it wants it

i want to give it to them

it is my job

my calling

my heart

my desire

what is this fire

what is the hope

its Christ in me

nothing can change it

take its place 

or alter it

it the cross

it the blood

its the prince of peace

its the alpha and omega

the beginning and the end

the Father

the Son

the Love

the hope

my hope

Father

I was the Father that cheered for you when your earthy father didn't show 

        up to your competition.

I was the Father that sat net to you at every Thanksgiving dinner when your

       earthly father stayed behind to work.

I was the Father who tucked you in and gave you a goodnight kiss when

        your earthly father was spending the night with another woman.

I was the Father who wished you happy birthday when your earthly father 

        forgot to tell you.

I was the Father who joked with you at dinner while your earthly father 

      worked extra late.

I was the Father who took you to school on your first day when your 

       earthly father didn't have time to.

I was the Father who sat down and watched movies with you 

      while your earthly father made money instead of spending quality time.

I was the Father who cuddled with you when you cried when your earthy 

      father got upset when you cried.

I was the Father that called you beautiful when your earthly father called  

     you fat.

I was the Father who loved you when your earthly father didn't.

a love

i just want a hand to hold

a heart to love 

and an arm to hug

a smile to share

a heart to care

a love unfold

i want an eye to wink

a look to sneak

and a joy complete

in all these things 

i want them with you

the only thing is 

i want them true

haha just something on my heart... no reason for it :)

Narnia

I'm sitting in bed with my two best friends at the beach and we are watching chronicles of narnia.
I cant help but see my life in this movie, with the four different characters.

in so many ways i'm like peter and let the pride and leadership things take control. it blindsights me. what i say goes and its just silly. but its part of it.

in many other ways i become like susan and become so logical and legalistic. my thoughts turn to facts rather than faith and i begin to doubt.

but then i am so much like edmund and am willing to sell things out for something good. something better. im willing to sacrifice someone else to save my life. i only look out of me and not for the good of others.

and lastly in so many ways i am like lucy. the child like faith takes me to beautiful places. it gives me joy and peace. i am cute and funloving but just love on other people. the love i have for them and other things shines brightley in the way i walk in talk.

but no matter what character i am
today
tomorrow
or yesterday
i still need an aslan
my aslan that will go to the stone table for me
i couldnt live my life without him
and without his perfect sacrifice i would have died.
without that perfect sacrifice
he couldnt have befundled the white witch
and saved my life from death.
without him i would have lost the battle.
without him i wouldnt have learned to love